ATTITUDE
1. The Ethics of Seduction Techniques
2. The Stigma of the Pick-Up Artist
3. Knowing What You Want
4. Realize that Women are Sexual Beings
5. A Practical Outlook-For Life
6. The Myth of General Confidence
7. The Power of Beliefs
8. The Most Powerful Belief
9. Controlling Frames and Meta-Frames
10. Controlling Your Physical and Emotional State
11. Applying it All in the Field
This phase is not part of the encounter but instead is something that MUST be addressed before the encounter. The "Inner Game" is EVERYTHING. All of the techniques, strategies, and lines to follow are USELESS unless you've got the right mindset.
1. The Ethics of Seduction Techniques
When I started to study pick-up and seduction, a big dilemma I had was whether what I was undertaking was RIGHT. I felt a little dishonest, dare I say SLEAZY, about the whole idea of using "tricks" to improve my chances with women. I also felt like less of a "real man" in seeing I had to resort to them. I realized eventually that such moral dilemmas would have to be worked out in order for me to be congruent, and have any success in the field at all. From what I've seen most of the guys out there are decent, moral people with a conscience, so I think that a lot of people in this game have at some point or another felt this way. I'd like to lay out the thinking that got me over this dilemma, in the hopes that anyone else struggling with the same problem might be able to iron out this kink in their inner game.
First of all, realize that there's nothing wrong with having to learn tactics to meet and seduce women. Most men are absolutely CLUELESS in this area, and it's not entirely their fault. A lot of this has to do with being raised by our mothers, as well as the tendency of men not to seek out help or advice. Women, on the other hand, grow up reading Seventeen magazine and YM, watching soaps, and focusing more on interpersonal relationships than men. By the time they're adults they have a whole array of techniques and strategies to tease, hook, and trap a man. They become MASTERS (mistresses?) of manipulation of the opposite sex. Until the Internet resources we enjoy became available and known, men didn't have anything like Cosmo or Sex In The City to teach them the finer points of meeting and choosing a mate. So the fact that you're learning techniques to be able to deal with their expertise on their level doesn't make you less of a man; it just means that you're catching up to their extensive experience, and leveling the playing field.
Another important step is to remove from your mind any negative connotations with the idea of manipulation. (Credit to Ross Jeffries for getting me thinking about this issue). I believe that all human beings require SOME level of manipulation! Advertising tries to manipulate us to buy soft drinks and the latest clothes. You try to manipulate your friends to go see the movie that YOU want to see. The act of manipulation (and the technology/techniques we use in our case to do it) is morally NEUTRAL; it's just the context under which it's done which makes it good or bad. For example, a salesman manipulates you into buying a product, which is his job. You're happy with the product you bought, and he's happy with the commission he made. Where's the harm?
You may also have a problem assuming the techniques and the seduction mindset into your personality, thinking that the methods just aren't YOU and that it presents a "fake" you. Consider this: Let's say you're an engineer. Were you an engineer from birth? Of course not. You had to study math and the sciences in high school, and then pursue higher education to get an engineering degree. It took years but now, YOU are an engineer! And so it is with seduction. If you continue learning new material and field-testing it, eventually it'll become YOU. Realize also that a woman out on the town in flashy, skin-tight clothes and painstakingly-applied makeup is NOT "her". "Her" is the girl who 5 hours earlier was standing in front of her mirror miserable and panicking because she was having a bad hair day. The heels, the make-up, the confident air, ALL of these are tools to make herself appear more attractive to the opposite sex. So don't feel guilty or awkward when using "personality tools" of your own to achieve the same result.
Most importantly, if you value yourself and your life as being important in the grand scheme of things (and you SHOULD, since it's YOUR life), then you should also believe that you deserve the very best that life has to offer. This includes finding the very best MATE that you can find. If learning seduction techniques and applying them can improve your chances of meeting the best woman for you out there, then mastering them is one of the noblest undertakings of your life.
2. The Stigma of the Pick-Up Artist
The words "Pick-Up Artist", "Getting picked up", "A quick pick-up", etc all have a NEGATIVE stigma attached to them. The implication is that they're something sneaky or dishonest about approaching women with the intention of meeting them, and that any man that does this is obviously a sleaze ball. The word "seduction" also has a negative connotation as well, somewhat along the lines of "conning" a woman into sleeping with you. Lastly, there's the word "Player", denoting a man who plays games with women's hearts to get them into bed.
Before you do anything else, you MUST remove from your mind any negative stigmas attached to these concepts. These stigmas are total bullshit, stuff left over from more prudish times when women were chaste and men were seen as being up to no good, trying to "deflower" the poor, poor, victim/woman.
Let's be clear here: Although the word "pick-up artist/PUA" or "picking up" is used throughout this guide, to "pick up" someone, is to MEET them. People have been meeting their mates in one way or another since the human race began. In almost all cases it involved one or both of the parties sticking their neck out to meet and form a connection. Now of course, there are exceptions. It's nice that your uncle met his wife because they sat together in a college class, or that a beautiful woman accidentally spilled coffee on your friend and they're now happily married, but this is rare. Out of all the women on the planet, what do you think the REAL chances are that you'll meet your perfect mate completely by chance? Not good at all (although Hollywood movies and Oprah will have you believe otherwise).
In fact, the "pick-up artist" deserves MORE respect than someone who "stumbled onto his wife". The pick-up artist, the one relentlessly and fearlessly approaching women, meeting a LOT of people and forming a LOT of connections, is actively making an effort at finding the right woman for him (or at least building a skill-set so that he knows what to do when he finds her). He's grabbing his cojones and going out on the hunt. In caveman times this guy would be the one dragging a buffalo home for supper every night, while the rest would wait for an old buffalo to fall over dead at their feet.
The word "seduction" also has a negative stigma, most likely because of the outdated beliefs in feminine chastity. The truth is that women WANT to be seduced. It's up to the man to take the lead, and up to the woman to playfully resist and throw up obstacles, and give in if the man is successful in demonstrating his value to her. It's part of courtship, and always will be.
As for the word "player", granted there are men out there who "play" women, as in con them into bed through lies and false promises. But just as fish have their mating dances, peacocks have their displays, and elk have their masculine posturing, humans have their own courtship rituals. The slang for these rituals is "The Game", and everyone out to meet a mate is technically a "player" in the game. Women play games all the time, but it's not malicious-they're just playing their part in that courtship ritual. We men need to play the game too, and this doesn't necessarily involve breaking a woman's heart or tricking her. It just means playing our role in the courtship ritual with our own techniques and knowledge of the rules.
As with any social situation, it all comes down to this: Be fair in your dealings with people, and you'll be beyond reproach. Don't let a silly label make you feel guilty.
3. Knowing What You Want
Before you can work towards a goal, you have to properly define what that goal is. So if you're looking for your ideal woman, you have to decide what qualities and values she's going to have to have to be the one.
You have to come up with your own, but these are mine. KNOW what you want and you'll be more likely to get it.
Adventurous
Spontaneous
Emotionally Strong
Up For A Challenge
Bisexual
Good Wit (Sarcasm)
Sophistication
Optimist
Not Afraid To Take Chances
Still Has A Little Girl Quality About Her
Anti Values:
Drama
Neediness
Indecisiveness
Flakiness
HOWEVER, no matter how much a woman fits your "criteria", DON'T think about her as a girlfriend. Start by thinking of her as a fun, beautiful, but temporary addition to your life. In other words, just have fun with her, give her no restrictions, don't box her in, don't demand anything of her, don't take anything too seriously, etc. Just laugh with her and have sex with her, take her to movies, be cool around town with her on your arm, etc. If it's going to get serious, it'll happen on its own if you just TAKE IT EASY. Most relationships fail because people get too serious too fast, and build up fantasies of the other person that they can't live up to. The ones that last are the ones where the two parties were at the very least "flirting friends" for a while, or had a physical fling that grew into something more with time.
Beware of women in the "gimme" category, i.e. commitment, amount of time spent, emotional support, talking about what they want to talk about, etc. In other words, THEIR agenda, without considering what you could want. It's as if they assume that just because they give you sex or attention, somehow you as a man now are getting everything you could want and must give them what they want. A woman who'll respect your other needs as well as her own, has the potential to be a long-term match.
4. Realize that Women are Sexual Beings
Women love sex as much as men do. The only difference is their TERMS for having it. With this in mind, realize that women are in fact SEXUAL BEINGS. Stop talking to them as if they were fragile little children, or immaculate, perfect angels with no sense of sexuality. Also realize their games are TESTS, to see if you're good enough to get sexually involved with. Enjoy the games, get excited when she "shit-tests" you, because it means she's evaluating you as a potential partner. Women want a man who's more powerful than they are, a man who can overcome her obstacles. So how do you think a woman is going to test for that? She's going to give you shit!
Most importantly of all, don't try to hide the fact that YOU are a sexual being! Women know we want them and love sex, so don't hide your libido completely or make apologies for your desires as a man. Women never apologize or act ashamed for wanting love or emotional fulfilment, so why should you hide the fact that you love sex?
We men often don't realize the sexual power that we have over women. We seem to perceive that women have all the sexual power, but when we realize that women desire men just as much as we desire them, we can take back that sexual power. We have the power to choose who we want to talk to, and we are the ones who take the lead. If choice is power, who has more power in this situation: The woman who chooses one of 20 men who approach her, or one of the men who had 300 women/options in the club and decided to approach HER?
And here's a little-known fact: A woman has a lot more to lose than you do if you don't approach her. She spent a lot of money on her outfit, a lot of time getting ready, putting on makeup, doing her hair, etc. By the time she goes out she may have invested 20 hours in shopping for that perfect outfit and getting prepared. If she gives you a signal and you decide not to approach her, it can be a real blow to her ego. Remember that next time you think her beauty gives her all the sexual power!
5. A Practical Outlook-For Life
Indifference to success or failure is the ultimate power. In fact, it's impossible to define success or failure, because each is contextual and can only be assessed in retrospect. For example, if a woman you've been involved with decides you're not the one for her and dumps you, and you didn't see it coming, does that mean you've failed? In the immediate context of the moment it appears you did. BUT if the next day, to feel better you go out with your single friends and meet the woman of your dreams, did you technically FAIL in the long run? Of course not! If you'd "succeeded" with the other woman, you probably would've missed the opportunity with the new woman of your dreams. You need to stop thinking in terms of success or failure, and start taking this OVERALL view of life, instead of viewing things as separate "bubbles" in your life where success or failure are defined in the moment.
6. The Myth of General Confidence
There is no such thing as "confidence" as a general term. Confidence is context-specific. Let me explain:
Let's say that you're a highly-skilled heart surgeon. After years of schooling and training, and experience in the operating room, you're as confident as it gets on the job. You're tops in your field and you know it. Now, just as you leave the operating room, you go into the waiting room and see that a terrorist has left a nuclear suitcase bomb in the waiting room! There's 2 minutes until it blows, meaning there's no time to call the bomb squad. You open the bomb and see a bunch of wires and parts, and your confidence drops to ZERO as you realize that you're clueless and powerless in this situation.
Suddenly a man in the waiting room sees what you're doing and comes to help you. He calmly reaches into the device, turns a dial and pulls a wire, and the timer on the device stops. He doesn't even look scared! In fact, he looks extremely confident. You ask him how he knew how to stop the bomb and he proudly says "I designed this weapon. I worked for 25 years at Los Alamos building nukes. Turning it off is child's play." Now your heart is still racing at this point and the stress hasn't gone away yet, and all of a sudden you have a heart attack and stop breathing. The nuclear bomb technician has no medical training whatsoever, not even a first aid course. Suddenly HIS confidence drops to ZERO as he realizes that he's clueless and powerless in this situation, and he calls for help.
The above story illustrates my point: There's no such thing as a "confident" person, only a person confident in areas he's very familiar with. If you have no skills and experience dealing with something, you won't have any confidence in dealing with it either!
And so it is with women. If someone is experiencing nervousness or a lack of confidence in dealing with women, it's because they don't have the SKILL-SET or experience for dealing with them. No hypnosis tape, no affirmation program, or Neuro-Linguistic Programming trick will give you instant confidence for dealing with women. The only thing that will give you that confidence is the SKILL-SET of how to deal with women (the point of this guide), and EXPERIENCE in dealing with them (you getting out there and interacting with them, using your skillset).
7. The Power of Beliefs
Strong beliefs set the groundwork for a proper mindset.
You can't control events. Instead, you can always control WHAT THINGS MEAN. You need to communicate to yourself what things mean, in order to control your reaction to them. Nothing in life has any meaning except the meaning you give it! The meaning you give something forms the basis of a belief.
What you believe becomes your reality. When you have beliefs that YOU are the prize-such as "women find me irresistible" or "women just want to use me for sex" your mind begins to find evidence of this in the real world.
And the more evidence your mind finds of your beliefs, the stronger they become, and the stronger they become, the more convincing and congruent you'll come off to women.
Does it matter if these beliefs are total bullshit? Of course not! Most of the beliefs we have are wrong anyway, be it the belief that we're not good enough to do A, not smart enough to know B, etc. If you're going to believe things that are wrong, why not adopt a wrong belief that EMPOWERS you instead?
Once adopted, beliefs can take on a life of their own and turn us into a completely new person. Look at a hardcore racist for example: His beliefs are ignorant and ridiculous, but to him they're completely real. His interpretations of his experiences, according to his beliefs, have led him to believe that certain races are better than others, or even that the inferior ones should be wiped out. If a person can adopt such extreme beliefs as those, then having it become your reality that women want you should be a cakewalk. All it takes is the right thoughts and influences, and whether you realize it or not YOU are in COMPLETE CONTROL of these.
8. The Most Powerful Belief
The most important (actually, ESSENTIAL) belief you must have is the belief that YOU are the PRIZE when dealing with women. Believe that BEING WITH YOU IS THE BEST CHOICE THAT A WOMAN CAN MAKE. When you adopt this belief, all your other beliefs about dealing with women fall into place naturally.
When YOU adopt the belief that you're the prize, you communicate it automatically through your words, body language, and behavior. Here are some ways the belief manifests itself:
. When you approach a beautiful woman, you're not trying to win her over. Instead, you're investigating whether she's good enough to be with you. TYPICAL GUY BEHAVIOR: Guy gets all nervous approaching, worrying if SHE will accept him. Guy tries to prove himself to her.
. When a woman isn't interested in you, it doesn't bother you one bit because she missed out on YOU. In fact, you feel sorry for her, in that she'll never get to experience being with you. TYPICAL GUY BEHAVIOR: It hurts his self-worth, and he feels sorry for himself, because he'll never have the experience of being with her.
. If a woman you're involved with decides to leave, it's no big deal because YOU are the prize. Not only is it her loss, but someone better than her will come along shortly. TYPICAL GUY BEHAVIOR: Guy chases the woman, begs her to come back, saying that he'll never meet anyone like her again.
. You never chase after, plead, beg, supplicate, or try to buy a woman's attention or affection with dinners and gifts. SHE should be the one buying YOU gifts, and trying to win YOU over. TYPICAL GUY BEHAVIOR: Betrays his insecurity by chasing after her, asking how she feels about him, trying to win her affection with gifts, etc.
. You never get stuck on ONE woman (the scarcity mentality), since you're better than she is anyway-YOU are the prize! TYPICAL GUY BEHAVIOR: Suffers from "One-itis", builds up a huge fantasy in his mind about her, and since he just HAS to get THIS particular girl, he's lost all his power with her.
. You have a LIFE of your own, the lifestyle of a cool guy full of great friends, successful people, and good vibes. You stay invested in your hobbies and enjoy your life. If a woman wants to be with you, she has to respect the life you already have. It's YOUR train, and she just gets to ride it. TYPICAL GUY BEHAVIOR: Drops his friends to be with a woman, makes her the center of his universe, drops his hobbies to spend time with her (or worse, makes thinking about her his hobby).
. You date multiple women at once, to determine who's best for you to be with long-term. You expect the BEST mate possible because YOU are the prize, and you can't find the best if you only spend time with and get to know one. You feel much more comfortable approaching women, because if it doesn't work you're still dating other women. TYPICAL GUY BEHAVIOR: Commits to one woman at a time, usually the first to "accept" him, overlooks her glaring faults, "settles" until she dumps him and he wonders "What did I see in her?"
. You don't accept shitty behavior from women. Since you're the PRIZE, she'd better be treating you properly or she's OUT. TYPICAL GUY BEHAVIOR: Lets girl walk all over him and boss him around, because he thanks his lucky stars that a girl as hot as her has "accepted" him-to him she's the prize.
. No matter how much you grow to like or love her, you imagine that she likes or loves you MORE. Although you're lucky to be with her, she's even luckier to be with you. TYPICAL GUY BEHAVIOR: Guy falls head over heels and lets her "own" him, tells her how lucky he is to be with her, or how he could never live without her.
. When you first meet a woman, whenever she tells you she doesn't like something about you, you see it as HER problem, not yours. TYPICAL GUY BEHAVIOR: Guy gets all self-conscious about whatever it was she pointed out, and either agrees with her or tries to justify himself to get back in her favor.
See the difference? Most typical guy behaviors imply that the woman is the prize. But when you switch things around and assume the role of the prize in your thoughts, words, and actions, you behave much differently. Your behavior will communicate to women that YOU are the prize that she has to win over, without saying it outright.
Again, does it matter whether it's true or not that you really ARE the prize? NO! A fat, balding, ugly man who believes he's God's gift to women will have more success with women than a fat, balding, ugly man who's "realistic" and thinks that no woman would be into him given his state. (Funny enough, negative people often justify their negative attitude by claiming to be "realistic"). I'll say it one more time: Whether the belief is true or not means nothing; IT'S HOW STRONGLY THAT BELIEF IS HELD THAT COUNTS. Perception is everything!
9. Controlling Frames and Meta-Frames
For a proper attitude in dealing with women it's very important to understand the concept of FRAMES. Swinggcat explains the concept pretty well in his e-book "Real World Seduction". Here's a paraphrasing of the section on frames:
A "frame" is a general focus or direction that provides an overall guide for thoughts and actions during an interaction. A frame determines the underlying meaning of behaviors and actions. A "meta-frame" is an overall focus or direction that provides a meaning to the interaction. A more general term for frames and meta-frames is the SOCIAL DYNAMIC.
Frames don't exist in objective reality. They're not "real". They only exist inside the skulls of human beings. But they're extremely important in dealing with people.
Generally, when two people's meta-frames are in conflict, the stronger/more assertive meta-frame is dominant.
A woman may or may not buy into your meta-frame. But even if she doesn't, you're conveying that you're unwilling to buy into hers.
How to control the Meta-Frame:
Step 1: Define the meta-frame: If you don't set it, the woman will define it for you, and assert hers.
Here's a way to properly define the underlying meaning of the interaction:
1. You are the PRIZE.
2. She's trying to get you to like her or trying to win you over-whether it be in the sense of attraction, acceptance, or validation.
3. She wants you so bad that she's trying to make you sleep with her.
4. The both of you are going to sleep together, but only if she lives up to your standards and expectations.
Step 2: Assume the meta-frame in advance
Assume before even talking to her that the underlying meaning of all her behaviors and actions when you do talk to her will fit into your meta-frame.
Step 3: Set frames that imply the meta-frame. Some ways to do this:
1. Frame one or more of her actions, behaviors, or things about her as meaning that she's not good enough for you or can't handle you (implies you're the prize)
2. Frame one or more of her actions as her being interested or trying to pursue YOU
3. Frame one or more of her behaviors or actions as her being a little crazy (refuse to buy into it)
4. Frame one or more of her behaviors, actions, or something about her as meaning that she lacks class
5. Frame one or more of her behaviors, actions, or something about her as meaning that she's a dork
6. Accuse her of not really living the life that she wants to live, or accuse her of being envious of you
7. Frame one or more of her behaviors, actions, or something about her as meaning that she's a little creepy
8. Frame some of her behaviors, actions, or things about her as meaning that she's a sleaze ball.
9. Frame some of her behaviors and actions as being rude and insensitive
Notice that many of these frames are the frames that women set with guys. So, you're taking the frames they use to turn guys into frustrated, pathetic beggars, and using them against them.
Attempt at all times to do this in a humorous way. When women are laughing, their guard is down and they're more apt to go along with the frames you're setting.
10. Controlling Your Physical and Emotional State
YOU are the only one responsible for how you feel. Other people don't make us feel anything. It's OUR OWN interpretations of their words and behavior that affect us.
Controlling how you feel is crucial. It's up to you to remain emotionally calm. Women count on us for this, and thank us for it when they go nutty. It's the MAN'S responsibility to be in control of his emotions. Women are NOT attracted to weepy little wimps. I'm not saying you can't show emotion, but don't be provoked to feel an emotion by another person that you don't CHOOSE to have. Every woman out there has her own insecurities and fears. Remember that you have the advantage of strategies and logic on your side, and all you need to do is CONTROL YOUR STATE!
You are going to have to STOP getting emotional when women try to make you angry, sad, or upset. These are all tests by women, and you will FALL right into the trap by getting all worked up. You are going to have to STOP falling for all their games, dramatic behavior, and attempts to control you through your fear of losing them. Women DESIRE a man who is BEYOND their control, beyond their attempts to make him do anything, or to make him upset. The message is if you put up with her crap, how can you protect her? A dominant man allows a woman to feel safe and protected.
So how do you control your state? How do you stay calm when a woman is yelling at you for stupid shit, or when she just dissed you in front of the entire party?
Positively interpreting things is one way. At some point in your life you've probably been in a situation where something embarrassing or negative happened to you, and someone said "One day you'll look back on this and laugh." And you probably did! Well when you find yourself in a shitty situation today, why not laugh at it TODAY? Why wait for someday? Also, think of how terrible something may have seemed when it happened to you years ago, and how it means nothing to you now. When something negative happens to you today, why not have it mean nothing to you TODAY as well? This can be done through positive interpretation, a RE-FRAMING of the "negative" situation.
Here's another method for controlling your state:
Your physical and emotional states are closely tied together. For example, when someone is depressed, what do they look like physically? Often they're slumped over with poor posture, taking short steps, their head's down, and they have a sad look on their face. And when someone's happy or excited they bounce around and they're more animated.
The fact that there's a link between the physical and the emotional is good news for controlling our state. When you find yourself slouched over and unfocused, you can sit up straight with good posture and breathe deeply, and you'll find yourself more alert and able to concentrate. When you find yourself worried about something, you can stand tall, look up at the ceiling, smile a big smile, and hold it (in fact, it's hard to stay in ANY negative state in this position). You can breathe deeply and slowly to reduce anxiety and fear. And when a woman is going crazy and giving you problems, you can take a deep breath, smile and narrow your eyes at her, and slowly cross your arms.
11. Applying it All in The Field
It's extremely important to adopt the attitudes above before going out to apply what you learn in the field. Although the techniques described later in this guide are VERY effective for what they're supposed to do, if you don't have the right mindset they'll work poorly. Many newcomers to this stuff want to learn the tricks and techniques only, and this is a bad idea. Learning only the pick-up techniques while keeping your old attitudes is like learning fancy jiu-jitsu techniques while staying seriously out of shape. You may learn a great arm-lock or strike that could end a fight in seconds, but if you don't have the strength and conditioning to apply it, the technique itself is useless.
